the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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