if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
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