Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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