grandma shit on top of the toilet
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
