Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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