Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
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