omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
