oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
