I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
