you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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