Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Randomize
