I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
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