Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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