After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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