All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can