Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Randomize
