You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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