I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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