Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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