There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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