I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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