The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
