If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Randomize
