Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
