Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
