I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
i need some magic done to my vagina
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
