If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.