i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
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I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
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I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.