you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I look excited, but its just a facade.