when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry