I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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