he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I have surprise drugs for everyone
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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