Pregnant stripper...not hot.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
