my phone needs a breathalizer
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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