WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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