i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
