I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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