The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
