last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
