her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
