my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
