I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
