last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
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The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
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I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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