I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
