plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
