one might say we're banned from that church
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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