Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
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I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
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I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
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