The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
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