When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
