It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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