I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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