By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Randomize
