"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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