If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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