just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
