last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I need to sanitize my soul.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
