I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
