You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
